day 10. Kate

Dear k8,
You have been running a long time. Harsh, cruel, dark lies have followed you along the way. You have done hurtful things to the people that love you. You have done hurtful things to yourself. You have lied and deceived yourself and many others. You have isolated yourself from all the joy that has been gifted to you.

You have been dying a little bit each day because you thought it was too painful to live in the truth. The walls you have built around your heart and soul are cold and suffocating.

You circle and circle the same insanity over and over again. There is no place else to go. It is time to stop running. It is time to stand in the light and face your life. You are safe. You are strong. You are worthy.



You are forgiven. And you are loved. By many. And by me. It time to stop the chase.

Love,
Kate

day 9. break

He asked to see me yesterday. I broke. There was a kindness and tenderness with him still that I feel so unworthy to receive. And yet through his forgiveness in all the pain that I have caused, I am finding forgiveness in myself.

I don't understand that kind of selflessness.





Maybe I needed to get sick and vulnerable---to lack the will to fight it, in order to receive it.

Dr. Q says that one of my biggest barriers in life is that I sabotage everything I touch because I don't feel worthy of love or happiness.

Maybe she is right about that. About a lot of things. I don't know. I just know that his forgiveness makes me want to be a better person.

I agreed to tell my story in group today. I don't know if I can do it. But I'm going to try. I promised him that I would try.

day 8.

day 7.

day 6. cliche

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.



I am diminished to a fucking cliche.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

day 5. suffocating

I've been sick since last night.



The night nurse shrugs me off. I guess she has seen this one too many times. I feel confused, like the world has tilted and there is no place to find balance. My hands tremble. I'm hot and cold all at once. I want to call Christopher but I can't stomach the disappointment in his voice. I just want to turn back some time. I want to go home.

day 4. curb

Last night I prayed that I wouldn't wake up.



I feel 8 steps from the curb.

I'm so tired. All everyone wants me to do around this place is talk, or write, or reflect, or share....

I could do this whole recovery thing if everyone would just leave me alone.

The 'get out soon' rules are that (among other things) everyone publishes a post every day.

So here ya go, Dr. Quinn.


"Publish Post"

day 3. click

I haven't slept in two days. The noise is a constant stream of un-orchestrated madness. Today we had "group." We sit around in a circle like we're at some scout campfire and "share" and somehow draw lines of invisible connections between how similar our un-manageable our lives are. The reality is that every one has already drawn an emotional border around their own circle of likeness. If you're not in their club, you're not getting in their club.

Dr. Q wants us to expand our outreach and create a social network community using this thing called twitter.

But I'm not a follower or a joiner. So their little clicks just make them appear even smaller in my eyes. I've never been a fan of the whole girl-scout thing, anyway. I'm happy to round the corner of my figure eight---left, then right, then left, then right, then left...

day 2. rain

Christopher called today. The weakness in his voice sickens me. I'm so fucking tired of feeling responsible for everyone else's happiness. He did what he felt he "needed" to do. Fine. So then live with your decision. My head is spinning from this place. The rules. MY GOD. All the rules. No caffeine. No newspapers. No over-the-counter medications. It's all a major power trip for all the hypocrites.

I'm so tired I feel like my brain is going to bust through my skull. The last thing I need is his pathetic voice whispering how sorry he is, how he just wants me to get well, how it's for my own safety. Hahaha. It's such a joke. They talk to me like I'm fucking 8 years old.



Everyone is an expert. They have all the answers. And I just want to sleep. To silence all the noise. Where does the chase end? I'm just so tired...all i want to do is lie here and listen to the rain.

day 1. admit

The clerks badge read "admittance." It's about  eight-thirty at night. I swayed a little in my chair thinking about my "admittance."
Rehab?
She kept talking and I kept signing papers  or scribbling my name...but all I could hear in my head was the word "admittance."

You come to this place one of two ways.
You either admit.
Or, you are admitted.
Today I was admitted.
I never admitted to anything.

So I like the taste of alcohol. So I'm on edge.
At least I'm not a hypocrite like the rest of my family.
But that's okay. I will play by the rules.
And the rules, according to Dr. Quinn-medicine woman my psychiatrist is to "engage." And I quote:
"to embrace the community of support that exists only outside of yourself."

She talks about "community" like it's some beautifully wrapped gift to my wretched soul. So every patient in here gets "electronic loans." Notebook computers, camera's...all part of recording and "facilitating our journey toward finding new people, places and things..."
How do you like that for 21st century therapy?
She is so full of shit.
Dr Quinn is completely disillusioned about the entire world. What she doesn't seem to get is that I didnt ask to be here. I don't even exist.
But I will play by the rules. So here is my outreach, Dr. Quinn.



You said there is light. But all I see is darkness...I don't even see me.