day 10. Kate

Dear k8,
You have been running a long time. Harsh, cruel, dark lies have followed you along the way. You have done hurtful things to the people that love you. You have done hurtful things to yourself. You have lied and deceived yourself and many others. You have isolated yourself from all the joy that has been gifted to you.

You have been dying a little bit each day because you thought it was too painful to live in the truth. The walls you have built around your heart and soul are cold and suffocating.

You circle and circle the same insanity over and over again. There is no place else to go. It is time to stop running. It is time to stand in the light and face your life. You are safe. You are strong. You are worthy.



You are forgiven. And you are loved. By many. And by me. It time to stop the chase.

Love,
Kate

day 9. break

He asked to see me yesterday. I broke. There was a kindness and tenderness with him still that I feel so unworthy to receive. And yet through his forgiveness in all the pain that I have caused, I am finding forgiveness in myself.

I don't understand that kind of selflessness.





Maybe I needed to get sick and vulnerable---to lack the will to fight it, in order to receive it.

Dr. Q says that one of my biggest barriers in life is that I sabotage everything I touch because I don't feel worthy of love or happiness.

Maybe she is right about that. About a lot of things. I don't know. I just know that his forgiveness makes me want to be a better person.

I agreed to tell my story in group today. I don't know if I can do it. But I'm going to try. I promised him that I would try.

day 8.

day 7.

day 6. cliche

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.



I am diminished to a fucking cliche.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

day 5. suffocating

I've been sick since last night.



The night nurse shrugs me off. I guess she has seen this one too many times. I feel confused, like the world has tilted and there is no place to find balance. My hands tremble. I'm hot and cold all at once. I want to call Christopher but I can't stomach the disappointment in his voice. I just want to turn back some time. I want to go home.

day 4. curb

Last night I prayed that I wouldn't wake up.



I feel 8 steps from the curb.

I'm so tired. All everyone wants me to do around this place is talk, or write, or reflect, or share....

I could do this whole recovery thing if everyone would just leave me alone.

The 'get out soon' rules are that (among other things) everyone publishes a post every day.

So here ya go, Dr. Quinn.


"Publish Post"